"Do not touch the federal agent."

"My team does not appreciate my humming, which I find helps me concentrate".

"In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it’s modern architecture."

"What strikes you about a prison is not that it's unlike any place you have ever been in, but that it's quite like lots of places you have been in. "

"The trolley will shortly be coming through with a selection of hot and cold snacks, tea and other beverages. For your information, pushing the trolley this morning is Miss Castleford 1996."

"My worst hotel? Modern designer hotels where it takes you half an hour to turn on a tap or the lights in your room. They're designer-mad and nothing to do with usability. Even flushing the loo can be a big operation."

"We have defrosting breaks."

'There is no way that anyone at Apple could have come up with that bloody paper clip or "My Documents". You can imagine Bill Gates with drawers labelled "My Socks", "My Hats", "My Shoes". Apple shows that computers can be simple without infantilising us".

"I still would prefer straight to slanted walls, so as to put up bookshelves and a blackboard."

"When entering the building, I have to pretend I'm a normal human being!"

"To remove this label, peel it off."

"This is the nearest humanity has got to reproducing itself in metal"

"The problem with assumptions is that we always assume they are right."

"Answering machines and old people. That's not a good combination, I find."

"If someone is taking a picture, you say, 'Lamps at 10 o'clock', then everyone looks lovely."

"There are few things more likely to annoy busy people than a computer that thinks it is really helpful."

"Fink dslow drink drive"

”Ladies in shorts and gentlemen with naked torsos are invited to forbid themselves to enter the church." Church notice, French Pyrenees. Source: Memex 1.1 blog

"I refuse to die to this music."

"Do not eat the blackcurrant jam: it tastes of fish." ... warning captain Tony Greig not to have the caviar at a cricket reception.

"In case of fire do not panic. Dial 9 and warm reception."

"Hoodezfield"